Bodhi
by Sunhawk
Summary: Merry and Pippin's last days in Gondor.


Author's Notes:  
Welcome to my universe.  
This story is part of a very, very, very long series (well, it promises to be) encompassing Merry and Pippin's lives together. It is an AU story, where they are lovers and, eventually, husbands. I jump the timeline as I write, but I hope to cover more-or-less every major moment in their lives-and some not-so-major moments. If you have problems with slash, you are heartily invited to take advantage of the egress provided by your "back" button.  
Still here? Lovely. I hope you enjoy; it's a tale that's been done before, but I needed to write it just the same. The section titles are Sanskrit, and (roughly) translate as follows: Bodhi=knowledge; moksa=untying/liberation; maya=the earthy world (not the same as reality); ananda=the joy without which the universe cannot exist (or, more simply, bliss). Disclaimer: The characters and many of the events mentioned in the story are not mine, but are the property of the Professor. I am making no profit from this story; it is written only for my enjoyment, and for others'.  
  
Bodhi  
  
"I'm so sorry to leave you, love." Pippin took a deep breath, trying to smile reassuringly at the soft words. "I know you are. I love you so much. I want you to know. I love you, Merry-my-own."  
Merry smiled, closing his eyes. "I know. I love you too, little one, I always have. I always will."  
"Pippin." The Thain and Took looked up, reaching out to stroke Merry's snow-white curls, trying not to show that he was crying. Sharp blue eyes, still keen at over 100 years old, spied him out, as they always had. And, as always, they softened, spoke of love. "Hold me? I need to feel your arms around me." Pippin tried to smile, accomplished it this time, and gently moved Merry on the bed, rearranging the two of them so his arms were around Merry, who was leaning back on his chest. He sighed, and settled.  
Pippin, ever blunt, asked sadly "It's not long, is it?" Not long until, for the first time in his life, "Merry-and-Pippin" would be only "Pippin", he thought to himself, but could not bring life to the words.  
He was surprised to hear Merry chuckle softly. "I've still got a few days left in me. But no, dearest heart, not long, I think." He sighed, and leaned back heavily into Pippin's arms, turning his head to kiss the arms that had held him so often, in loving and crying and the joy of a sunset, or sunlight dancing through leaves. Pippin hugged him, still gently but a little tighter this time, trying to memorize the body he knew as well as his own.  
Ever the Took, he kissed Merry softly on the cheek, and then moved up to nip the delicate point of an ear, smiling as he felt, more than heard, the other hobbit's laughter.  
"Master Perian, will you ever act your age?" Pippin prompt reply in the negative increased the laughter, and he joined in, feeling strangely golden and light that they could still share mirth at these, the last days.  
"I wonder how Frodo and Sam are doing?" he asked suddenly, propping his chin on Merry's shoulder so they were cheek-to-cheek, turning to nuzzle where neck became shoulder when Merry was quiet for awhile.  
" I think they must be happy. Frodo found healing, and Sam got to spend a lifetime with his dearest love," Merry turned his head to smile at Pippin, "and now he'll spend another with his dearest friend." Pippin smiled at that thought, that Sam could find happiness again after losing Rosie. They'd been there for her last days, and held Sam between them as he mourned her.  
"Good." Pippin announced decidedly "I hope he is happy, and remembers us to Frodo." Merry laughed at that. "How could he not?"  
Pippin smiled a little, rubbing Merry's shoulders. "I'm hungry, love- would you like me to fetch you something while I'm out getting dinner?"  
"No, dear, but thank you." Merry smiled a little "Sit with me while you eat, though?"  
Pippin smiled, more tenderly this time. "Of course. I'll be right back."  
Pippin managed to coax Merry into drinking a cup of tea and nibbling down a roll while he ate a regular hobbit-sized meal. When he had finished, he returned to sit on the side of Merry's bed, cuddling into the older hobbit's arms. Burying his face in Merry's nightshirt, he couldn't stop some tears at the thought that this would end soon. As always, though, Merry was there to stroke his back, and whisper how much he loved him. Pippin calmed at that, and was soon wriggling out of his husband's arms.  
"Dear one, you look so tired, go to sleep for a bit," Pippin said. Merry smiled, and sighed while Pippin gently cradled him in his arms again, finger-combing his hair and singing little nonsense lullabies until Merry drifted off, content in sweet, strong arms.  
"Oh dearest heart." Pippin sighed, burying his face in a head of silver hair. "I wonder if you know just how much I love you. Just how much you made my life beautiful, and sweet. Just how much your loving me got me through such awful things." He shifted, to hold Merry a little closer, and even in sleep Merry shifted with him, bodies fitting so perfectly together. Pippin gave a sad smile "I am so lucky, Meriadoc. I spent a lifetime with my dearest friend and lover, all in one." He closed his eyes, then, and lay back, meaning to fall asleep but instead dozing, making the patterns the dying firelight left on the inside of his eyelids into memories from his and Merry's life together. At last, just before the dawn, he slept deeply and dreamlessly.  
  
Pippin whistled a dancing-tune as he carried an overflowing tray into the room the two of them shared. Merry smiled to hear it, but did not open his eyes until Pippin had come over, tea in hand, and brushed a soft kiss against his cheek. Even then, it was only for a moment, before Pippin heard him sigh, and sink further back into the pillows cradling him. Biting his lip, and fighting back tears, Pippin tried to coax the tea into him, finally letting up after Merry refused the third time, a note of annoyance in his voice. He just needed some sleep, he insisted, so Pippin sat and ate quietly, and watched his husband's chest rise and fall.  
After he had finished breakfast, Pippin slipped into bed beside Merry. He was not particularly young himself, anymore, and the slow, lazy lifestyle in Gondor suited him just fine. Closing his eyes, the Thain felt sunlight wash over him, warming him on this late spring day, and thought back. When Merry had fallen ill, as he always did in the early spring, Pippin and Strider (still Strider, never Elessar, at least not when they were alone) had feared that the Witch-King would finally have his revenge. But, as always, Merry had won out at the end. A bittersweet victory-he had taken to his bed for good, after that. He still had good days, and bad days, but now the bad days numbered more than the good, and Pippin almost hoped he could go soon, and rest.  
Pippin shook his head a little, at that thought, and turned his mind to sweeter things. Like the hand that had interlaced fingers with his, only a few moments ago.  
Opening his eyes to a room now completely flooded with sunlight, Pippin turned to his side, drawing Merry into his arms. They lay like that, for a little while, breathing love to each other, in between lingering kisses.  
"Tell me a memory?" Merry requested, teasingly mimicking Pippin's Tuckborough burr, which had requested the same thing many, many times in childhood. "Telling a memory", Pippin had decided, meant it was time for Merry to tell a story from when he was young and Frodo still lived at Brandy Hall, or when Pippin was very young, with the request usually coming just before bedtime. Pippin poked him gently, still never one to let a tease go uncontested, but pulled the frail body a little closer.  
"Do you remember the first time I took care of you when you were sick? It wasn't long before Yule.I was 10, I believe, so you would have been 18. We'd all arrived at Brandy Hall-how your parents did it, I don't know! An entire wild, tumbling clan of Tooks, trying to help get matters in line. And you, dear heart, still stuck in bed.  
Pippin's voice was steady, full of love and humor as he remembered the tale aloud, telling how he'd run in to Merry's room to find the teen still curled up, exhausted from a particularly bad bout of the flux. The young Took had hardly left the bedroom, then, not even for a snowball fight Vinca almost bodily dragged him to. He sat staunchly by his Merry's side until they could leave together. At which point, he promptly began to make up for all the days lost to mischief, almost at once it seemed. It probably hadn't helped, Pippin mused, when Merry had happily joined in-but with nearly three weeks to make up for, instead of only a few days.  
Laughing together, the two of them came back to the present. "I still wonder how Aunt Esmy kept from turning us both out into the snow for good," Pippin gasped through giggles.  
Merry smiled, and took Pippin's hand in his. "Remember how she looked at our wedding? She really loved you, you know; like you had been another son." Pippin sobered a little, then, winding and twisting his hand so their fingers were interwoven. Looking into blue eyes, he smiled and spoke.  
"How could I forget? You were so beautiful that night. I swear the moon was jealous, meleth, high up in his sky and not able to touch you." And Pippin's voice drifted into whisper, remembering the night that he'd gathered their dearest friends together, to witness his pledge to Merry, and Merry's to him. Though they exchanged no ring, or other token, they'd had a full moon, a warm night, and circle of love about them. And that had been enough, on that night or on any other. Pippin could still see their faces; his mother, Frodo, Sam, his sisters and Merry's mother, all there. All gone, now, but long enough that it didn't hurt to think of them anymore. That night felt so close, he could almost reach out and step into it again, and be there telling Merry of his love, and pledging himself.  
Merry, smiling peacefully, had drifted off at the end of the tale, and Pippin rose, arranging the quilt gently, making sure Merry was warm, and secure. He took his leave, then, somewhat reluctantly, but he'd promised to eat with Strider that day, and wanted so desperately to pretend things were as they always had been, that he went.  
  
Returning after lunch to find Merry still asleep, Pippin lay down at his side, careful not to wake him. He wanted so badly to cuddle into Merry's side, to be held and loved like he had when they were young. Afraid of waking him, though, Pippin instead lifted Merry's hand to kiss, and rest on, and slept like that.  
  
Pippin was dreaming. He was young again, before the troubles of the ring, and being Thain. It was warm, so it must be spring, or summer, perhaps at Brandy Hall. No matter the where, he was curled around Merry's side, and Merry was rubbing his back, and it was perfect.  
  
Pippin blinked sleepily awake to find his dream had become truth- Merry had awakened, and was holding him snugly, soothing him with gentle strokes through his hair, and down his back. Clenching his eyes shut, Pippin hugged Merry back, trying to reach for the dream, and failing, tears beginning to flow again. Merry began to rock them, a little, rubbing Pippin's back soothingly. As it had done since he'd been a baby, the motion calmed Pippin, and his tears stemmed, and finally stopped.  
Merry gently pushed him back, lifting his chin to lock gazes. "Dearest heart," he asked softly, "tell me what's wrong. Tell me, and if I can't make it better, at least we can share it." Pippin smiled tremulously, and leaned in to kiss Merry, long and sweet and loving.  
"Oh, Merry, it's silly, really. I just-I was dreaming of when we were young, and still had our lives ahead. Know that I don't regret a single moment of our lives together," his voice dropped as he gathered Merry into his arms, their bodies pressed together, "and I have always been proud to have you by my side. But oh, love, just for a moment I wanted that again, the two of us young, and carefree and a little spoiled, and not knowing anything more than each other and the Shire." And they held each other, and Merry kissed his face, and kissed his tears away, and tried to find words for his response.  
"Sweeting.I wish I knew what to tell you," he finally admitted. "I look to the past, and there's some good and some bad, as I suppose there is in everyone's lives. But-oh, Pippin, so few are as blessed as we are! I've known you almost every single day of your life, and loved you, and you've done the same for me nearly every day of my life. And I can't, truly, wish those years away."  
He held Pippin closer, finally finding the words for what they'd been dancing around for days, now. "I-I know, even when I'm gone, that because you're still here, a part of me is here. Because you loved me, because you will still love me, I can never be forgotten. And even when you're gone, something will still be there. I don't know what, or how, or why, but I don't believe we can love each other for a lifetime, and not leave something behind." He finished, tired, and lay back on the pillows, eyes closed. Too tired even to startle when he felt a soft brush on his eyelids, smiling when he recognized Pippin's kisses, and they fell like rain on his face.  
"Ah, Merry, whatever will I do without you? Who will explain, so clearly, so beautifully, to me?" Pippin's voice was lighter, filled with love and more joy than it had held since before Merry fell ill for this last time. Merry smiled to hear it, and found Pippin's hand, and raised it to his lips. "I think you'll do fine on your own, Fool of Took." They shook with laughter until Merry nestled closer, Pippin almost automatically wrapping his arms around him. "Now, let your wise old husband sleep, hmm?" Pippin chuckled a little, and dropped a kiss on snow-colored curls.  
"I think, even after we both die, we'll be together. Wherever it is, we'll be together, you and I. I can't ever be apart from you for long, my Merry, no matter where we are. I am entirely too set in my ways, after all this time," he whispered into a pointed ear. Merry cracked one eye open long enough to smile and reply, "Of course, dear one. I'll be waiting to welcome you." And then he was asleep, and Pippin held him, relaxed and reassured. There was still worry, and fear, and sadness, but after a lifetime of love, they mattered little. Certainly far, far less than the hobbit in his arms.  
  
Epilogue 1: Moksa  
  
Pippin sat, beyond tears. Merry had lain still, seemingly asleep, for two days now, and Strider had warned that it would be only hours, now. Legolas, who had arrived just in time to say his last farewell to the former Master of Buckland, brought meals at regular hours. Pippin ate mechanically, never moving from Merry's side. At night, he lay down with his head on Merry's chest, always a little surprised when he woke up still hearing the heart beating. He talked, sometimes, and told stories about Frodo, and Sam, and especially about Sam's children, who had become like their own, over the years. He often lay his head down on the pillow, just inches from Merry's ear, and whispered how much he loved him, and how proud and happy he was that Merry had been his husband, and how beautiful he always would be. But mostly he was quiet, watching Merry intently, holding one of his hands.  
It was a sweet, sunny May day when Merry took his last breath, the sun on his face and Pippin by his side. Pippin sighed, softly, when Merry's chest fell, and did not rise again. Pippin kissed him, then, and lay his head on Merry's chest, and cried a little, and brushed Merry's curls back off of his forehead one last time. He lay Merry's hands against his still chest, and kissed them. Standing up, he gently brushed his fingertips over the pale forehead.  
"I love you. But you know that. Wait for me, meleth; I shan't keep you long, I think."  
And he left the room, to go tell Strider, and Legolas, and Gimli. And Rohan mourned her Knight, and Gondor too, and Pippin was quiet as Merry's body was laid in its grave, on Rath Dînen.  
  
Epilogue 2: Maya  
  
"Happy birthday, my love. Gondor is beautiful in summer, I believe I can see some lovely lasses out in the fields, dancing, from where I sit. Some rather good-looking lads, too. Remember the year we drove my sisters wild by yanking the flowers out of their hair whenever we got close enough? 'Vinca started chasing us back, and we had to hide down by the river, in that little copse by the laurels, that I think only we ever knew about.  
"Do you remember, when you'd almost died of the Winter Sickness, and you held me there and promised me you weren't going anywhere?  
"Ah, but that's such a sad memory. Do you remember making love there? You got so carried away, and lost yourself, that we rolled right into that creek! I believe I swallowed half of the Brandywine that day, but oh, you were so beautiful, and you made me so happy.  
"I hope you like the flowers. I love you. I'm going to go to the celebration at the palace, now, but I'll visit again soon. I miss you, Merry, I miss you so much, every day. Keep waiting for me, love.  
"By the by, whoever carved this likeness of you didn't do a half-bad job. I rather hope mine leaves off that silly-looking helmet, though."  
  
Epilogue 3: Ananda  
  
"Sing for me, Legolas? Ah, yes, that one." Pippin lay back against soft pillows, piled under quilts on the cool autumn evening. He rarely left his bed, now, but did not lack for company. Legolas and Gimli had hardly left his side, and Strider was there too, as often as he could be. The four of them, all that was left on Middle Earth of the Nine Walkers, talked and sang and laughed, and if Pippin was the quietest, and the others sometimes blinked back tears (or sometimes didn't bother to hide them), no one mentioned anything.  
Pippin's eyes slid shut, as the sweet Elven melody sang him out of his body, and Legolas gently stroked his forehead. Darkness did not come, however, but a light, sweet and bright and shining. "I told you I'd wait for you, little one." A voice he'd not heard in far, far too long sped Pippin's feet, as he ran towards Merry, who was holding his arms open, wide and waiting. Merry young, and free of worries, and more handsome than Pippin ever remembered seeing him, and some part of Pippin noticed that he, too, was young again. And then he was in Merry's arms, and that was all that mattered. 


End file.
